Too Much Coffee

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky looked at herself naked in a mirror, remembering her times with Bill Clinton. In her frustration over her inability to lose weight, she decided to call on God for help.

"God, if you’ll take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off!

Pardon?

Talking about Bill Clinton and God, did you hear what happened when Hillary arrived at St. Peter's gate? She was surprised to find that the wall was covered in giant clocks. She asked why there were clocks in eternity. She was told that the clocks measure adultery. Every time someone commits adultery the clocks tick forward one second. Intrigued she asked to see her husband's clock. St. Peter said, "Because your husband was President of the United States he has the grandest clock of all, but you can't see it, God likes to keep in his room to use as a fan."