Eternity sucks
Posted: Tue Apr 09, 2013 9:32 pmA woman who was thought to have died last week miraculously came back to life today, only to leave a 3 star review of Heaven on the travel website Tripadvisor.
Friends and family were amazed when 31-year-old Sarah Johnson turned up at her parents’ doorstep a week after she died in a car crash.
However, not content with finally providing an answer to the age old question of whether there is life after death, Ms Johnson headed to a computer to share her experience on Tripadvisor.
“I was recommended Heaven by my local parish priest, who despite never having been there assured me it was paradise. He also warned me not to go to the competing establishment, since he knew about my brimstone allergy.
“Last week I happened to be wandering aimlessly through a tunnel in the netherworld when I saw a light at the end of it, so I thought “Why not?”
“There was a huge line to get in but that can be explained by the substantial number of people who like me, had turned up without a prior booking. It’s a shame you can’t book online. Security is also a bit poor; they have this beautiful big golden gate but there’s no perimeter fence around it, so the doorman, a nice elderly man with a big beard and a key, couldn’t stop people skipping the queue.
Ms Johnson describes Heaven as having “lots of wide open spaces with fantastic views of the entire Universe, which is definitely its biggest selling point.”
She also mentions how she enjoyed visiting the Museum of Absolutely Everything, as well as an exhibition of previous failed attempts at Creation.
“The problem is that once you get tired of celebrity spotting there isn’t really anything else to do. The entertainment also leaves much to be desired. Harp music is nice and all, but seriously, every night?”
Customer care was also an issue. “My halo was too big and despite the fact I told them about it several times, they never gave me a replacement. I asked to speak to the manager but I was told he was busy flooding Buenos Aires. Which I thought was quite odd seeing as he’d just chosen an Argentinian pope.”
While Ms Johnson says she met some very interesting people, she had less than kind words for the majority of her fellow guests.
“It’s basically just full of Mormons. And the people who’ve been there the longest swan around like they own the place.”
Ms Johnson concluded her review on Tripadvisor by stating that despite the trip not being completely awful, she would not be visiting again any time soon.
“They recommend that you stay there for eternity but honestly I think 10 days is more than enough.
Friends and family were amazed when 31-year-old Sarah Johnson turned up at her parents’ doorstep a week after she died in a car crash.
However, not content with finally providing an answer to the age old question of whether there is life after death, Ms Johnson headed to a computer to share her experience on Tripadvisor.
“I was recommended Heaven by my local parish priest, who despite never having been there assured me it was paradise. He also warned me not to go to the competing establishment, since he knew about my brimstone allergy.
“Last week I happened to be wandering aimlessly through a tunnel in the netherworld when I saw a light at the end of it, so I thought “Why not?”
“There was a huge line to get in but that can be explained by the substantial number of people who like me, had turned up without a prior booking. It’s a shame you can’t book online. Security is also a bit poor; they have this beautiful big golden gate but there’s no perimeter fence around it, so the doorman, a nice elderly man with a big beard and a key, couldn’t stop people skipping the queue.
Ms Johnson describes Heaven as having “lots of wide open spaces with fantastic views of the entire Universe, which is definitely its biggest selling point.”
She also mentions how she enjoyed visiting the Museum of Absolutely Everything, as well as an exhibition of previous failed attempts at Creation.
“The problem is that once you get tired of celebrity spotting there isn’t really anything else to do. The entertainment also leaves much to be desired. Harp music is nice and all, but seriously, every night?”
Customer care was also an issue. “My halo was too big and despite the fact I told them about it several times, they never gave me a replacement. I asked to speak to the manager but I was told he was busy flooding Buenos Aires. Which I thought was quite odd seeing as he’d just chosen an Argentinian pope.”
While Ms Johnson says she met some very interesting people, she had less than kind words for the majority of her fellow guests.
“It’s basically just full of Mormons. And the people who’ve been there the longest swan around like they own the place.”
Ms Johnson concluded her review on Tripadvisor by stating that despite the trip not being completely awful, she would not be visiting again any time soon.
“They recommend that you stay there for eternity but honestly I think 10 days is more than enough.
I will keep searching for somewhere better. Somewhere with plenty of heat to make all the coffee, muffins, toast and fry-ups I could wish for. 
Tempting but no, I said Hot not wet. 
