Eternity sucks

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Eternity sucks

Postby motoman » Tue Apr 09, 2013 9:32 pm

A woman who was thought to have died last week miraculously came back to life today, only to leave a 3 star review of Heaven on the travel website Tripadvisor.

Friends and family were amazed when 31-year-old Sarah Johnson turned up at her parents’ doorstep a week after she died in a car crash.

However, not content with finally providing an answer to the age old question of whether there is life after death, Ms Johnson headed to a computer to share her experience on Tripadvisor.

“I was recommended Heaven by my local parish priest, who despite never having been there assured me it was paradise. He also warned me not to go to the competing establishment, since he knew about my brimstone allergy.

“Last week I happened to be wandering aimlessly through a tunnel in the netherworld when I saw a light at the end of it, so I thought “Why not?”

“There was a huge line to get in but that can be explained by the substantial number of people who like me, had turned up without a prior booking. It’s a shame you can’t book online. Security is also a bit poor; they have this beautiful big golden gate but there’s no perimeter fence around it, so the doorman, a nice elderly man with a big beard and a key, couldn’t stop people skipping the queue.

Ms Johnson describes Heaven as having “lots of wide open spaces with fantastic views of the entire Universe, which is definitely its biggest selling point.”

She also mentions how she enjoyed visiting the Museum of Absolutely Everything, as well as an exhibition of previous failed attempts at Creation.

“The problem is that once you get tired of celebrity spotting there isn’t really anything else to do. The entertainment also leaves much to be desired. Harp music is nice and all, but seriously, every night?”

Customer care was also an issue. “My halo was too big and despite the fact I told them about it several times, they never gave me a replacement. I asked to speak to the manager but I was told he was busy flooding Buenos Aires. Which I thought was quite odd seeing as he’d just chosen an Argentinian pope.”

While Ms Johnson says she met some very interesting people, she had less than kind words for the majority of her fellow guests.

“It’s basically just full of Mormons. And the people who’ve been there the longest swan around like they own the place.”

Ms Johnson concluded her review on Tripadvisor by stating that despite the trip not being completely awful, she would not be visiting again any time soon.

“They recommend that you stay there for eternity but honestly I think 10 days is more than enough.
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Postby GreenBean » Wed Apr 10, 2013 8:53 am

No mention of the quality of the coffee or the muffins? :(
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Postby bruceb » Wed Apr 10, 2013 11:11 am

GreenBean wrote:No mention of the quality of the coffee or the muffins? :(


Coffee? Muffins? There's herbal tea and whole-grain packing material to be had - 24/7.
Three Francesconi (CMA) espresso machines - Rossi, San Marco, LaCimbali, Faema and 2 Mazzer Major grinders- CoffeeTech Maggionlino, Hottop, Alpenröst and HW Precision roasters.
I decided I needed a bit of a change so I roasted some Monsooned Malabar. That was a change!
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Postby GreenBean » Wed Apr 10, 2013 4:49 pm

bruceb wrote:
GreenBean wrote:No mention of the quality of the coffee or the muffins? :(


Coffee? Muffins? There's herbal tea and whole-grain packing material to be had - 24/7.

Oh, that will not do. :x I will keep searching for somewhere better. Somewhere with plenty of heat to make all the coffee, muffins, toast and fry-ups I could wish for. :D
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Izzo Alex Duetto | Gaggia XD 2 Group | Mazzer Super Jolly | La Cimbali Max | Solis 166 | Dalian 1 kg roaster | Hottop P | Hottop B | French Press (several) | Kettle modded, no really, added digital thermometer |
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Postby bruceb » Thu Apr 11, 2013 5:40 am

GreenBean wrote:
bruceb wrote:
GreenBean wrote:No mention of the quality of the coffee or the muffins? :(


Coffee? Muffins? There's herbal tea and whole-grain packing material to be had - 24/7.

Oh, that will not do. :x I will keep searching for somewhere better. Somewhere with plenty of heat to make all the coffee, muffins, toast and fry-ups I could wish for. :D


Guests are always welcome in my kitchen. : Image
Three Francesconi (CMA) espresso machines - Rossi, San Marco, LaCimbali, Faema and 2 Mazzer Major grinders- CoffeeTech Maggionlino, Hottop, Alpenröst and HW Precision roasters.
I decided I needed a bit of a change so I roasted some Monsooned Malabar. That was a change!
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Postby GreenBean » Thu Apr 11, 2013 7:38 am

bruceb wrote:Guests are always welcome in my kitchen. : Image

That is a very tempting offer, Bruce. :D
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Izzo Alex Duetto | Gaggia XD 2 Group | Mazzer Super Jolly | La Cimbali Max | Solis 166 | Dalian 1 kg roaster | Hottop P | Hottop B | French Press (several) | Kettle modded, no really, added digital thermometer |
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Postby motoman » Thu Apr 11, 2013 9:28 am

GreenBean wrote:
bruceb wrote:
GreenBean wrote:No mention of the quality of the coffee or the muffins? :(


Coffee? Muffins? There's herbal tea and whole-grain packing material to be had - 24/7.

Oh, that will not do. :x I will keep searching for somewhere better. Somewhere with plenty of heat to make all the coffee, muffins, toast and fry-ups I could wish for. :D



That a hell of a good idea mate, have you ever considered moving to Wales!
La Valentina Levetta
Mazzer Mini
Huky 500T
Bodum s/s Press Pot(Covered in dust)
Mokka, Vietnamese Press and other pots(unseen since I fell in love with La Valentina)
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Postby GreenBean » Thu Apr 11, 2013 2:07 pm

motoman wrote:
GreenBean wrote:
bruceb wrote:
GreenBean wrote:No mention of the quality of the coffee or the muffins? :(


Coffee? Muffins? There's herbal tea and whole-grain packing material to be had - 24/7.

Oh, that will not do. :x I will keep searching for somewhere better. Somewhere with plenty of heat to make all the coffee, muffins, toast and fry-ups I could wish for. :D



That a hell of a good idea mate, have you ever considered moving to Wales!

Wales? Where the scenery is breathtaking, the men are men and the sheep are glad of it? :) Tempting but no, I said Hot not wet. :wink:
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Izzo Alex Duetto | Gaggia XD 2 Group | Mazzer Super Jolly | La Cimbali Max | Solis 166 | Dalian 1 kg roaster | Hottop P | Hottop B | French Press (several) | Kettle modded, no really, added digital thermometer |
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Postby CakeBoy » Fri Apr 12, 2013 9:25 am

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Baaaa! Shhhhh, quiet dear, I'm online :roll: :)
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