We should have a groan smilie here

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We should have a groan smilie here

Postby motoman » Fri Apr 05, 2013 8:15 am

And here's why:

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web..

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown..

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the copper coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern..

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."
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Mokka, Vietnamese Press and other pots(unseen since I fell in love with La Valentina)
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Postby GreenBean » Fri Apr 05, 2013 8:33 am

Thank you for that, Pete. I needed a good laugh this morning. :D
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Postby CakeBoy » Fri Apr 05, 2013 9:50 am

You kill me Pete :lol: :)
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Postby bruceb » Fri Apr 05, 2013 10:46 am

Bagpipes at 2:30 AM. I nearly croaked. :lol:
Three Francesconi (CMA) espresso machines - Rossi, San Marco, LaCimbali, Faema and 2 Mazzer Major grinders- CoffeeTech Maggionlino, Hottop, Alpenröst and HW Precision roasters.
I decided I needed a bit of a change so I roasted some Monsooned Malabar. That was a change!
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Postby frcn » Fri Apr 05, 2013 1:31 pm

"I use my bagpipes to tell time."
"How do you do that?"
"I play them at night, and the neighbor yells out, 'Put those damn things away! Don't you know it's three AM!?'."

Some guys are breast-men, some are leg-men. I'm an ass-man. I must be. Everywhere I go people say, "You're an ass, man."

We were having difficulties so we went to see a marriage counselor. He told my wife and I that to improve our relationship we have to start having sex more often. Now we're NEVER going to see each other."

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
- from Randy G. -
Hottop USA Customer Service
...and so much more!
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Postby GreenBean » Sat Apr 06, 2013 7:46 am

Oh please, no more jokes. I keep spilling my coffee. :( :wink:
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Postby CakeBoy » Sat Apr 06, 2013 11:18 am

Keep going chaps, I spill my coffee anyway and the jokes ake the trouser scald bearable :shock: :)
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International muffin blagger

Iberital L'Anna 1 Gp Hand-Fill | Wega Orion 2 Gp | Bezzera 1 Gp | Rancilio Audrey PID | Spidem Trevi
Iberital MC2 Timed | Macap M4 DS & MXA DS | Mazzer SJ | Starbucks Barista Grinder (Dualit E60/Solis 166)
Pinhalense 2x500g Gas Batch/Sample Roaster | Gene Cafe | IMEX CR-100
Aerobie | eSantos | Zassenhaus | Bodum P/Over | Chemex | Hario Woodneck | Timer Filter
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Postby GreenBean » Sat Apr 06, 2013 12:02 pm

CakeBoy wrote:Keep going chaps, I spill my coffee anyway and the jokes ake the trouser scald bearable :shock: :)

It's not the trouser scalds that concern me. It's the knowing looks at all the wet patches that I find embarrassing. :oops:
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Izzo Alex Duetto | Gaggia XD 2 Group | Mazzer Super Jolly | La Cimbali Max | Solis 166 | Dalian 1 kg roaster | Hottop P | Hottop B | French Press (several) | Kettle modded, no really, added digital thermometer |
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Postby bruceb » Sat Apr 06, 2013 6:27 pm

GreenBean wrote:
CakeBoy wrote:Keep going chaps, I spill my coffee anyway and the jokes ake the trouser scald bearable :shock: :)

It's not the trouser scalds that concern me. It's the knowing looks at all the wet patches that I find embarrassing. :oops:


No problem there. I just tell 'em I peed my pants. :D
Three Francesconi (CMA) espresso machines - Rossi, San Marco, LaCimbali, Faema and 2 Mazzer Major grinders- CoffeeTech Maggionlino, Hottop, Alpenröst and HW Precision roasters.
I decided I needed a bit of a change so I roasted some Monsooned Malabar. That was a change!
Image
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Postby GreenBean » Sat Apr 06, 2013 6:32 pm

bruceb wrote:....No problem there. I just tell 'em I peed my pants. :D

:D :D
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Izzo Alex Duetto | Gaggia XD 2 Group | Mazzer Super Jolly | La Cimbali Max | Solis 166 | Dalian 1 kg roaster | Hottop P | Hottop B | French Press (several) | Kettle modded, no really, added digital thermometer |
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