At the zoo

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At the zoo

Postby motoman » Tue Aug 23, 2011 5:02 pm

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First
Is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is
Boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by
Feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
Attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because
Lions eat anything..

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and
Smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because
Lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lion say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
Mushy Bees
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RE: At the zoo

Postby DrTom » Tue Aug 23, 2011 10:31 pm

:mrgreen:
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RE: At the zoo

Postby lukas » Wed Aug 24, 2011 7:44 am

Is this one of the things you need to be a brit' for to understand?
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RE: At the zoo

Postby motoman » Wed Aug 24, 2011 8:40 am

OK Lukas, try this one:

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little lady,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Now I'm in trouble with the cat lovers again.
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RE: At the zoo

Postby Aadje » Wed Aug 24, 2011 10:19 am

Our cat is neutered, no offence here . . . :)
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RE: At the zoo

Postby lukas » Thu Aug 25, 2011 8:44 am

Only girly cats around here, and they find that very amusing.
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RE: At the zoo

Postby motoman » Thu Aug 25, 2011 3:20 pm

I'm losing my touch, I can't seem to upset anyone these days. OK try this:

I received a parrot for my birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. I tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything I could think of to try and set a good example...Nothing worked. I yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. I shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, I put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments I heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. I was frightened that I might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my extended arm and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
I was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did to upset you."
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Mokka, Vietnamese Press and other pots(unseen since I fell in love with La Valentina)
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Postby GreenBean » Thu Aug 25, 2011 5:16 pm

Oh please, please stop.

I can not take any more.

This is supposed to be a forum for coffee lovers. :cry:

Your posts should come with a health warning to put down the coffee cup and swallow before reading. :twisted: :lol:
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Postby CakeBoy » Sun Sep 04, 2011 10:19 pm

I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but I like it :P

Yes, Lukas, the first was a bit of a Brit style thing, a play on fish, chips and mushy peas, and also another British institution, the cringeworthy joke. Pete is a true master :) ;)
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Postby motoman » Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:13 pm

You call that cringeworthy, I'll show you cringeworthy:


LENA and OLE ---
Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.
Late one night, Lena vakes up Ole
and says, 'I tink it's time!'
So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere
tractor and took her
to the hospital to have their
first baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor
looked over at Ole and
said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!
' Well, Ole got excited by dis,
but yust den the doctor spoke
up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!
' The doctor den held up
a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole!
You got you a daughter!
' She's a pretty little ting, too.'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this,
an then the doctor said,
'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't
done yet!' The doctor then
delivered another boy and said,
Ole, you yust had yourself
another boy!'
Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought
Lena and their three Children
home in the self-propelled combine.
He was real serious and he asked
Lena , 'How come we got tree on
the first try?'
Lena said, 'You remember dat night
we ran out of Vaseline and You vent
out in the garage and got dat dere
3-in-1 Oil?'
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.. Uffda!
It's a darn good ting I didn't get
the WD-40.
La Valentina Levetta
Mazzer Mini
Huky 500T
Bodum s/s Press Pot(Covered in dust)
Mokka, Vietnamese Press and other pots(unseen since I fell in love with La Valentina)
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Postby GreenBean » Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:21 pm

Molykote 321 anyone? :D
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Postby Aadje » Wed Sep 07, 2011 6:25 am

:D
Bits 'n' pieces . . .

This week I am mainly saying hello to old friends
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Postby Aadje » Wed Sep 07, 2011 6:25 am

:D
Bits 'n' pieces . . .

This week I am mainly saying hello to old friends
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