Olympics 2012 ammendments

Anything Else!

Moderators: GreenBean, Gouezeri, bruceb, CakeBoy

Olympics 2012 ammendments

Postby motoman » Wed Aug 17, 2011 9:04 am

London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

Due to recent events you may not be aware that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame
will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof
of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the
most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible
in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages
deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event
by a choice of either a Glock handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints
of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first
trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
is found that can support human life, swimming events will be
organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this
year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples
on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be
provided by "The Verve."

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London,
especially anyone that appears to be... mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will
be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable
pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The
stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break
into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating
boiler."
La Valentina Levetta
Mazzer Mini
Huky 500T
Bodum s/s Press Pot(Covered in dust)
Mokka, Vietnamese Press and other pots(unseen since I fell in love with La Valentina)
User avatar
motoman
 
Posts: 1090
Joined: Sat Jul 09, 2005 1:41 pm
Location: Bridgnorth, Shropshire UK

RE: Olympics 2012 ammendments

Postby Aadje » Wed Aug 17, 2011 12:02 pm

Where do you get these things? :D
Bits 'n' pieces . . .

This week I am mainly saying hello to old friends
User avatar
Aadje
 
Posts: 3363
Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2006 11:21 pm
Location: Dubai

RE: Olympics 2012 ammendments

Postby geedee » Thu Aug 18, 2011 1:57 pm

Worryingly he makes them up himself ... :wink: :lol:
Life's uncertain, eat pudding first!
--------------------------------------
Wega Mini Nova - rotary , plumbed in
Macap 7 grinder
Old Monarch Deli Grinder
Gaggia MDF grinder (for sale)
3 presspots
2 mocha pots
User avatar
geedee
 
Posts: 331
Joined: Sun Mar 25, 2007 6:45 pm
Location: North Devon

Re: RE: Olympics 2012 ammendments

Postby GreenBean » Thu Aug 18, 2011 2:49 pm

Aadje wrote:Where do you get these things? :D
geedee wrote:Worryingly he makes them up himself ... :wink: :lol:

I find it even more worrying that they are usually eerily realistic and believable. :wink: :D
Image

Izzo Alex Duetto | Gaggia XD 2 Group | Mazzer Super Jolly | La Cimbali Max | Solis 166 | Dalian 1 kg roaster | Hottop P | Hottop B | French Press (several) | Kettle modded, no really, added digital thermometer |
User avatar
GreenBean
 
Posts: 2215
Joined: Wed Jan 03, 2007 2:15 pm
Location: Chester

RE: Re: RE: Olympics 2012 ammendments

Postby motoman » Sat Aug 20, 2011 9:32 am

I have my contacts.

My case worker plugs them in every day.
La Valentina Levetta
Mazzer Mini
Huky 500T
Bodum s/s Press Pot(Covered in dust)
Mokka, Vietnamese Press and other pots(unseen since I fell in love with La Valentina)
User avatar
motoman
 
Posts: 1090
Joined: Sat Jul 09, 2005 1:41 pm
Location: Bridgnorth, Shropshire UK


Return to Off Topic

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests

cron