Too Much Coffee

Signs that tell me "do not under any pretext be fooled into ordering coffee in this joint" include:

1 - pf out of the gruppa (of course)

2 - shiny bean bags or those big, inox cones that function as bean hoppers: these mostly mean that the coffee was burned beyond recognition by a large, native African/South American extorting multinational; and that aforementioned cremation of the coffee beans was effected more than a few months ago

3 - signs in French ("Hommes", "Femmes", "Menu du Marché" are specifically telling): these mean that we're in France, and coffee will be vile

4 - those gray-ish, old, battered machines that look as they haven't been cleaned properly since the last ice age. These are easily spotted from a few miles away by the pf's that are idling by its side

5 - silence, more specifically: the absence of any grinding noises when someone else orders coffee

6 - Illy logo's proudly on display on everything from the china to the napkins to the sugar bags to the spoons to the parasols: Illy cafés rarely get their coffee right. My guess would be that it has to do with telltale sign # 2 (cf. supra)

7 - Old, non-Italian people telling each other how good the coffee is

8 - little shot glasses filled with crème fraiche, on the little would-be silver tray that that the Illy cups are served upon

10) lots of ground coffee in the grinder;

11) no tamper to be seen within 5m of the espresso machine;

12) the sign on the door says Starbucks;

13) the prices are in pound sterling: oh damn we're in the country of overly delicious nespresso!

ES

I was desperate (or mad) the other day and went into our local Costa. I ordered a latte and watched the "barista" in action. Heaps of ground coffee in the doser, dispensed into the porta filter, NO TAMPING of any sort, and the extraction looked like dish water. The milk was sitting "ready frothed" in a jug and was spooned onto the shot. By the time I was served I was about ready to leap behind the counter and make my own! It was so disgusting I took one sip of the luke warm brew and left in disgust.

14 Carolynb's post
15 in fact all dutch caffe's/bar's/restaurants...
16 (as my wife likes a cappa) if the steamwand has still 'dried' milk on it.

Strange though that in Italy not tamping seems to be no problem (with Elektra a very light tamp is also sufficient...) but a steamwand with milk I've never seen anywhere where the barista takes his job serious... But in the Netherlands 70 percent of the steamwands has this dried milk on it (and is it there for 'just' a few hours or already for ages..?)
Michel

carolynb wrote:... It was so disgusting I took one sip of the luke warm brew and left in disgust.

Hey! I didn't know you were also in Portugal! Yes, the coffee here is always like exactly how you described. But I have to add that they use "shelf stable" milk instead of fresh milk from the fridge. This is something I've never seen before moving here. The result is absolutely horrendous.

The only reason I ever drink coffee outside my own apartment is when I'm meeting somebody on the way to someplace else. And I never order milk-based drinks anymore.


17. The 9-second shot.

I was in Galway on the west of Ireland once, in an ok looking little coffee shop and was surprised to see coffee beans behind panes of glass covering all the walls as art. So I thought I'd give them a chance, nothing too difficult, just a capp. She took my order, got a mug off the stack, put in on the "machine" and pressed the cappuccino button. Powdered "coffee", hot water, powdered "milk". I was speechless.

It seems coffee is for covering walls with, not serving to customers. Hence my addition to the list:

18. You're in Ireland (other than my house)

I had to meet someone for a business chat earlier this summer and they suggested a cafe in Wootton-under-Edge. I went into this transport cafe like place and was asked what I wanted to drink - cappuccino. BIG mistake. It turned out to be a sachets of Nescafe INSTANT cappuccino which magically produces an instant "froth". I'm afaid I accidentally knocked it over onto the plastic tablecloth and declined a refill.

18. You're in Ireland (full stop)

Do not bother stopping at M5 Strensham South Bound services Costa Coffee. Continuing in my quest for punishment I ordered a cappuccino. Must be endemic throughout the Costa chain, same experience as before only this time they had the coffee heaped in the portafilter, no tamping despite hand tamper lurking on counter next to Mazzer, and straight into grouphead knocking coffee all over the place! Needless to say it was truly awful and a waste of £1.85!! But I was tried and needed a coffee I'm going to take an Alessi travel set out of stock next time and somehow rig it up in the car!

Biggest reason for me:
19. Silocone tube stuck into the milk carton for the autofrother.

Michel: Have you tried the CoffeeCompany yet? It's a chain in Amsterdam, but it's doing really well.

The whole package is better than I thought it would be and I have had several decent latte's from there. I have had some dishwater as well, but there average is good for a chain.... I am a bit concerned that they have a "Latte ristretto" on the menu tho...
I realise it means a latte based on a ristretto but that does not really make sense to me. I think a doubleshot latte sounds more appealing.

-D